


I Like It When You're Lonely (It's Better Than Wine)

by ellinarin



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Loneliness, Lonely Martin Blackwood, M/M, Martin Blackwood Needs a Hug, Mind Control, Original Character(s), Post-Season 01, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:33:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24716860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellinarin/pseuds/ellinarin
Summary: Maybe going there was a mistake. Maybe he shouldn’t have done it.But the thing would have probably found him anyway.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Kudos: 20





	I Like It When You're Lonely (It's Better Than Wine)

**Author's Note:**

> This is set after season 1, because I'm currently just on season 2.  
> I'm so behind :(  
> Also I'm not a native English speaker so please tell me about the errors.

Martin woke up with a wide smile on his face. He had no idea where it’d come from, considering his mental state in the past couple of weeks, but it probably had something to do with a certain dream of his. He couldn’t remember it in many details, though he was pretty sure that Jon had been in there.

And it was rather weird. Not the fact that Martin had been dreaming about the archivist, of course – that was actually not uncommon for him at all – but the sensation of happiness the dream had left him with. Usually, after nights filled with images of Jon, he felt so devastated that he couldn’t even cry, as in those imaginary scenarios Jon hated Martin, despised him, called him stupid and useless and annoying, and told him to go away when he was so desperate to help.

Martin wondered if this unusual happiness he felt meant that he was finally getting at least a little bit better.

And then immediately he realized that _no, of course not._ _How could he be so naive._ Because the loneliness, the bitter _chilling_ loneliness was still there. And it wasn’t going to leave.

Sounds of _millions_ of mocking voices flooded his mind, reminding him of how pathetic, how worthless he was. It all felt so familiar, the way it had always felt before.

But not exactly.

It used to be so intense, so sharp. And now it was… quiet. Like these thoughts and sensations of his were buried deep under water.

On the surface of it there was only that weird bittersweet happiness.

Martin thought that the change was quite nice, really. He genuinely preferred this new feeling over the state of despair he’d been trapped in before.

Even dragging himself out of bed today didn’t feel like ‘dragging’, exactly. It was more like…simply getting up? Martin didn’t know how to describe it correctly, but he decided that he liked it a lot.

* * *

Jon had been giving him weird looks. _No_. Jon had been _staring_ at him. _All day_. And it wasn’t just the suspicion from before. There was something else in the way he’d been eyeing Martin, something new.

He told himself that _this_ was why he had been trying not to meet Jon’s eyes at all. Because all of that was just too embarrassing for him to handle. But to be honest, Martin didn’t _actually know_ why he’d been doing that. To be _completely_ honest, he might have also been… avoiding Jon in general? A little bit.

Or maybe _not_ a little bit.

He almost sighed with relief – though he would never admit that to anyone – when it was time for him to finally go home. Martin rushed out of the building, ignoring the strange smirk Tim gave him. He had absolutely no idea what it meant and wasn’t sure that he wanted to know.

Breathing in the fresh air, Martin figured it would be better for him not to go home yet. It was just so empty and _cold_ in his flat, despite the fact it was so warm outside. He thought the archive was cozier somehow, even though it _must_ have been much colder there – to preserve the documents, as Jon had once told him, archivist’s voice filled with bitter annoyance. Martin flinched. He _couldn’t_ come back to the archive. Not when Jon was still there.

And he decided to spend some time at a cafe, thankfully there were _plenty_ of those nearby. Though he could agree with Sasha that they were quite pricey, Martin didn’t really have a reason to go out very often or a person to do it with, so he could probably afford one single trip. And he wasn’t going to waste a lot of money, no. Martin just wanted to be around people – people who didn’t despise him, who didn’t think he was _incompetent_.

Of course, he would still be alone, even surrounded by people. Because they were only strangers, after all. Strangers that didn’t really care. But it wouldn’t be the same, it would be another kind of solitude, so different from the loneliness Martin had experienced before, the one he had grown so familiar with. It could make him feel relaxed, and Martin deserved it. _All_ of them did.

_Especially Jon._

Suddenly his mind was overflowed with guilt. He was drowning in it, like in cold muddy water. Sticky arms of water plants tangled around his ankles, his arms, his neck, his _everything_ , Martin could feel it _all over his body,_ and he wanted to scream, to do something but he _couldn’t._ They were dragging him down, deeper and deeper, and water was everywhere, surrounding Martin from all sides, leaving him with no chance to breath.

_He should be at the archive right now, helping Jon_.

Martin wasn’t stupid, he knew Jon didn’t want his assistance, didn’t want his help. But he had to keep trying, because Jon- he _needed_ his help, he needed rest, and Martin wanted so badly to make things easier for him. _But he couldn’t even do that for himself._

Martin really should be at the archive right now, but he simply wasn’t capable of doing so. That day it was so hard to be around Jon, to breathe in the same air as him, to look him in the eyes. It was almost unbearable. So Martin couldn’t make himself go back.

He raised his chin and headed to the nearest cafe he could see, trying to look as confident and independent as possible. When he walked in, Martin could feel that weird happiness from before washing over him, making him smile so wide his cheeks hurt.

Maybe this happiness wasn’t weird, he thought. Maybe in reality it was _true_ happiness.

* * *

_Maybe going there was a mistake. Maybe he shouldn’t have done it._

_But the thing would have probably found him anyway_


End file.
